Choose Your Own Adventure

When I try to measure my success on this project, I always come back to the idea of “no more concussions in 2013.” Early on, I realized that I wouldn’t stop them by protecting myself, but by recreating my story and maybe even myself. Spoiler alert: That’s a damn hard undertaking. I’m not sure I achieved that goal, but to acknowledge how profoundly true it is that our stories are arbitrary and subjective, I have written three different endings.

1) Missed/Found Connections

I decided to spend New Year’s Eve alone because I wanted to enter 2014 with a blank slate. But before I did that, I decided to go to a 4:30 class with my favorite yoga teacher. Unfortunately, she didn’t show up. Without thinking, I told the studio manager that I could teach the class.

Part of me wanted this to be a sign that maybe I’d do more yoga teaching in 2014, but thought that might be too much hope for. Instead, I just looked at it as a gift – a 1 hour break – a little peace from the life that had become somewhat excruciating over the past two months.

After class, I saw a guy who I have talked to in yoga multiple times over the past year and half. He told me my class was great, that he always wished he’d gotten my number and that he had even put a missed connection for me. We talked, traded numbers, have been on two dates and will see each other again. Fairy tale fait complete!

2) Forgive It All

While biking to work on January 2nd, I ended up literally at a crossroads with [EXBOYF]. My light turned green but as I was crossing the street, I realized he looked kind of happy to see me. As I rode by, I shouted “Happy New Year!” It occurred to me that shouting in the street might be a “too big personality” type thing, and that maybe I had sounded silly or screechy. But despite these thoughts, my heart was kind of filled with joy and I knew that I genuinely wanted to wish him a Happy New Year. I had expressed who I was and how I felt – and felt glad all day that I did.

3) We’ve Got to Fulfill The Book

Since about 12:01am on January 1st, I have been crying a lot and in a state of panic about many things, a fair percentage of which are related to confusion about [SOMEONE.] I kept trying to rationalize it as a learning experience, and tell myself that the big triumph was surviving this with grace and that maybe I had learned to stop getting concussions.

However, ultimately, it all became too much and on Thursday I had a total breakdown. All I could do was repeatedly berate myself for being so dumb as to get into this situation. I knew better but had completely fucked up. I had set myself up for failure with this stupid blog, which let me trick myself into think bad decisions were harmless. Eventually, all I could do was cry and cry and cry.

I started to feel even worse, because I was thinking that this was a terrible end to the project. Then the thought popped into my head that my brother would know how to turn it into a redemption story. Inspired by this, things started to shift.

I picked up my new mindfulness book and read the chapter on self-compassion. Even though it was nothing revolutionary (apparently “we’re only human” and “we all make mistakes.” Holy shit!) it somehow put me at peace. I went to sleep and woke up cheerful, with almost no immediate memory of the night before.

On my run, I listened to a terrible 80s song that has fascinated me for years. It reminded me (or maybe revealed to me) a bit about who I am. I feel things deeply. I instinctively choose “interesting” rather than “safe.” I like a good story. But while this song is about irresistible, uncontrollable passion, there’s also a line in it that says, “it’s too late to turn back now.

Although that is a very sexy idea, one of my big themes of the past year is that it’s never too late to turn back. And in my case, if I don’t give myself permission to turn back, I’ll never be able explore the stories that make life meaningful and I will certainly *never* be able to have compassion for my open heart and active brain.

If I’ve learned one thing from this blog, it’s that if you hate yourself, or sort of hate yourself, you probably will still be able to find love, partners, sex, compliments and success. However, you will be FUCKING EXHAUSTED.

Given that, I don’t judge myself for my breakdown on Thursday or all the anxiety and sadness leading up to it. Instead, I’m proud that I was able to nip it in the bud. I’m grateful for the amazing people who support my life in unique and varying ways – particularly my phenomenal brother who has been a sheer joy to collaborate with.

I hope that I can grow my ability to approach both the wonders and challenges of life with equanimity and maybe one day even be able to tolerate boredom.

To the four of you out there who made it this far, thank you so much and happy new year!

“Cliché Away” (What I Learned)

Posted by Stephen

“A cliché or cliche is an expression, idea, or element of an artistic work which has become overused to the point of losing its original meaning, or effect, and even, to the point of being trite or irritating, especially when at some earlier time it was considered meaningful or novel. The term is frequently used in modern culture for an action or idea that is expected or predictable, based on a prior event.”

I’d like to comment on cliches to summarize some of the things I’ve learned because, people who stay away from things deemed a “cliche” must have some sad and cynical bones in their body, too guarded to ever really really learn anything about life first hand. Or maybe I’m just talking about myself.

In a world of over exposed stories and people experiencing the same thing all around the world, I now know that I have been in hiding, not fully living my life by trying to skip out on many of life’s cliches. Whether it was not going up to a girl in a bar, or not putting myself in a vulnerable position with my friends, or just avoiding doing well intentioned things that would come off as corny, I am guilty of all of it. Should I not tell a girl she has nice eyes because 90 million people have done it before me, even if it’s true? Should I not say to my best guy friends that I don’t think that we get deep enough in our conversations, even if I truly feel that way?

It took me all of about less than one day to go on my first date after the 4th quarter ended. It was however totally unplanned. and a total cliche from a romance movie that I would have scoffed at and dismissed as stupid had it not been happening to me in real-time. I’ll keep this part short. I moved seats cause I nicely asked someone in front of me to switch seats because they had more leg room and they actually switched, to my shock and grace. And then I turn to my left and there is a girl, a girl that is worth talking to.

Packed with 90 days of energy waiting for a situation like this, coupled with the fact that I was sitting right next to her, and there was no loud music playing, I was feeling my most comfortable for an approach. A little Xanax for “fear of flying” probably didn’t hurt my confidence either. Long story short is that things went well, we talked for quite a long time on a red-eye that we both should have been sleeping on. Instead I bought her 3 glasses of wine and made her admit it was a date since I paid for the wine. And I told her about this blog, the first strange girl with whom it was actually relevant to bring it up to. Words like serendipity and fate got thrown around… that was probably the wine talking but who knows? I got a number… how ’bout them apples.

Only in retelling the story to friends did it truly become apparent to me how cliche it really was. I found out later she was supposed to be in another seat too, so who really knows anyway. All I know is that i was forward and direct, and nice and it worked out about as well as it could have hoped for the time being.

After that, it was days of over-analyzing with friends, and wondering all the different ways it could end, or end up. I felt so uncomfortable meeting someone with promise and being back in the unknown.  I hadn’t felt like this in a really long time, and it wasn’t because she was the one I’m destined to marry. It was because I had finally put myself back into a vulnerable position, where I have expectations and hopes and it just might not turn out the way I want. Unfortunately, being vulnerable seems to be the only way to find who and what is right for me, so here we go.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: Even if you’re “always a bridesmaid, never the bride” and you’re “all dressed up with nowhere to go” don’t “abandon ship” even if “all hell breaks loose” because “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and “all’s fair in love and war.”

Thanks for reading!

“How Did Your Project Go?

I just ran into my friend [T] who I don’t see very often. He was with another woman, and without giving her context asked, “How did your project go?”

“What’s the project?” She wanted to know.

I replied, “I’m a failure.”

“Oh my god. That can’t be the project. And I just met you but I can already tell that’s not true.”

“Well. Right, thanks. That’s not the project. But I did fail at it. The project was not dating for Q4 -”

“Wow, that’s hard.”

“Yeah! Apparently it is. Which is the bright side I guess.”

“So what happened?” [T] asked.

“I went on non-dates and I got a non-boyfriend. In the beginning when I still thought everything was fake I was really happy. Then when things turned out to be real, I got really depressed. I realized I still have terrible relationship issues that can’t be cured with a blog and that I should be in therapy.”

They thought it was really funny. [T], who is a literary agent, told me that I should turn it into a one woman show. I said it could be called, “Dating is a Crime Against Humanity.”

“Yes! It totally is!” agreed the other woman. “It is totally awkward and annoying. But don’t say it too loud – someone will steal your idea.”

“It’s not even that. It’s that we treat people we date in a horrible way we’d never treat another human being. We lie to them, we talk about them behind their back, we judge them harshly for the tiniest of flaws.”

“So,” asked [T]. “Have you been kinder to other people during this quarter?”

“Um….”

“Ok, have you been kinder to yourself?”

That one I knew the answer to. “In the beginning definitely. In the beginning it was good and fun. Then, you know…the non-relationship…so, now…not at all kind to myself.” In a fake crying voice I added, “I hate myself!”

They laughed and he said I should move to LA and be a real writer instead of staying here in SF to market marketing.

Although I wasn’t kidding about hating myself, given how unkind I’ve been to myself lately, it was nice to have more affirmation that the 4thQC at least comes across as a good learning experience if not an example of how to be a good rule follower.

And it’s also a good reminder of how important storytelling is to me. I have so little compassion for myself right now, and when you feel that worthless and empty, it’s so easy to just close down and crawl in a hole. I’m sure that humor is not as effective as therapy, but it is an example of how the tiniest action can be so meaningful as you start to chip away at a big problem.

Even though Stephen wrote recently that he was angry at himself for not writing, I am so proud and impressed (as are others) by everything he’s written. It’s so easy to ignore achievement in ourselves and others just because it could have been a bigger achievement. But forgetting to celebrate effort and intention will lead to perpetual dissatisfaction – both with your own life and other people. In fact, I’d say it’s a crime against humanity.

63 Day Check In

Posted by Stephen

I haven’t written in a while, which makes me feel like a procrastinator. Now, I’m actually quite okay with admitting to being a procrastinator, but there was something more than that. Since I wrote a post a while back saying how important it was to be able to want things from people in your life without feeling needy, I was really starting to feel like a hypocrite when people asked me when I was going to write again. Basically, I was doing the blog version of refusing to wash the dishes. While procrastination is something we all know and love, feeling like a hypocrite is not something that’s sitting well with me.

I know it’s been a long time since I last wrote, but there’s no great story behind it: I just didn’t feel like writing. I always wanted to keep this blog reflective and funny, and I didn’t want to use this as a forum to whine about the project I volunteered for. That being said,  this adventure has not been fun, or easy…but it’s doing its job of giving me some new perspective.

You see, as a guy, girls don’t approach me the way that guys approach my sister. I haven’t had to explain myself to one stranger yet about this challenge or the blog. Not because I was hiding it — just cause it has never come up in conversation, and I’m not looking to broadcast it. To compound that, and also to do my best to avoid situations where I might break the rules, the last two months have been pretty isolating, and I haven’t had too many funny situations that I felt necessary to report or document here.

But the 4thQC has left me plenty of time to think and evaluate where I am and what I want. Because when I’m in dating mode, I’m constantly talking to other people and asking them about their lives: their jobs, their interests, their hopes and dreams. Perhaps most importantly, the whole time I’m asking questions, I’m also assessing to see if I believe the answers. This doesn’t leave a lot of time in the day for me to ask myself those very same questions and see if I believe what I am telling myself.

And even though it led me to not want to write for a while as I worked through those things, ultimately I started to really feel bad that I wasn’t writing. I could brush off other people who were asking me why I haven’t written, but I could not tune myself out.

So I’m back, and I’m here to finish what I started. Nothing like having my sister getting our blog published on Elle.com to give me a little extra guilty push to get back on the horse! A big congratulations to Rachel is in order for that one…

Here’s to one more month.

I Don’t Know How to Tell You This

When I was younger and I had to write tough emails, I’d use numbered or bulleted points to take out some of the emotion and alleviate myself from the inglorious pain of transitions. So um….here goes.

1. We were sitting on a rock in Pt. Reyes, when [SOMEONE] said, “Not to be presumptuous, but if you’re breaking any of the 4thQC rules, it’s rule #3 – no falling in love.”
2. Five weeks later I was freaking out that I had “failed the blog” and my roommate [ROOMIE] said kindly, “Don’t worry, everyone knows the whole point of a no-dating experiment is to fall in love.”
3. (For those five weeks, we held hands and we cuddled and talked on the phone for hours, texted for 18 hours a day and hung out with increased frequency. In case you were wondering about the details.)
4. I labeled what we were doing a “NASA zero gravity simulator” for relationships because it’s a practice relationship in safe space. He said he liked the way my brain worked but that maybe calling it “simulated” wasn’t quite accurate.
5. This week he gave me a peck on the lips. [ROOMIE] said, “Oh, did you change the rules so that regular kisses are ok and it’s just full making out that’s not allowed?” I said, “The rules can’t change. I just broke them.”
6. I was so upset. I’ve cheated on almost everyone I’ve ever been with, but I’ve never cheated on my brother. I feel like a liar and a sham and someone with no will power. [SOMEONE] said, “I hate that I’m contributing to you feeling ashamed.” I said, “I am ashamed of almost everything about myself, all the time.” He didn’t say anything.
7. After that, we decided we had back off and stop hanging out.
8. I talked about it with Eric, my ex-boyfriend/best friend in Philadelphia and he said, “It sounds like [SOMEONE] really, really gets you.” I said, “Yes, but it’s not gonna work.” He said, “You have a brain that won’t let your heart feel good. You always end things early rather than just letting them end on their own.”
9. (It’s not just about the 4thQC. It’s not going to work in January, either. So it’s…you know…sad. You might even call it a concussion. The cool part is, it doesn’t feel like one.)
10. [SOMEONE] said there was still time to turn the 4thQC into a redemption story. I don’t know what that means but I’m willing to try.
11. But really, who ever knows anything? (HINT: Nobody.)
12. I told some strangers about the 4thQC last night and one said, “Why would you make a rule about not falling in love? You can’t control that.”
13. The truth is, you can control love. But I probably won’t ever be the kind of person who would want to, now matter how painful that turns out to be, 99% of the time.
14. I’ve learned so much from this project. The most important thing I learned is that the 4thQC was a stupid idea. People are meant to be together. Even if it doesn’t last that long and/or spews awkwardness and tears. People are meant to try.
15. In addition to being sick of the rules, I’m also totally sick of writing about this shit.
16. There’s a saying in Silicon Valley (and maybe everywhere): Fail fast. It means that if something isn’t working, stop trying and wasting your investors’ money.
17. That said, I will continue to the best of my ability until January 1st because I hate quitting things (and have no VC capital.) If my brother wants to give this shit up, I would pat him on the back and still invest in his next company.
18. Without question, I feel guilty and horrible. But I learned and healed a tremendous amount while having a “zero gravity simulator” relationship, which was in fact the purpose of this experiment. Even so, I trust that I have at least 5 weeks, if not 50 years, worth of learning left to do. So despite my overwhelming desire to throw a dish against the wall or punch a pillow, here’s to the next 37 days!

45 Day Check In, Or: Stop the Train, I Want To Get Off

So we’re halfway through the 4th Quarter Comeback. I know this because last night someone said to me, “Don’t give up now, you’re 2/3 of the way there” and I was super bummed when I did the math and realized he was wrong.

But I have to say, it does feel like the next 45 days are going to go by quickly and might feel like 1/3 of the total experience. That’s partially because this project has lost some of its early glow for me as I’ve shifted to a more “auto pilot” attitude. It’s become as much of a habit as dating was before. Which is a nice way of saying: I’m bored.

Since technically, these are self-inflicted rules that I’m only following by a thread, (actually I’d say the only rule I haven’t broken is “no making out or anything above”) I was totally feeling the urge to throw the towel in when I realized: This is just like every relationship I’ve ever had.

It started off feeling like the most, brilliant idea in the world. A gateway into a magical world! Suddenly I feel whole again! All the bullshit from all the past years has just melted away and I don’t even know why I was so negative or cynical before!

Every day, I was on some kind of high. I was totally content having the blog my biggest priority in life. I thought about it all the time! I was grateful – moved to tears of joy on a frequent basis – learning so so so much and feeling so so so open.

Then the usual stuff set in. (You could substitute [4thQC] for the name of any boyfriend I’ve had, and all the statements below would be true.)

“I’m kind of realizing that [4thQC] doesn’t really understand my outgoing side, and isn’t really happy when I chat with strangers and want to meet new people.”

“I ran into this guy I used to date – and – I don’t know. He makes me smile in a way that [4thQC] doesn’t.”

“There’s this guy – totally not an appropriate candidate and will never be my boyfriend, but we have this ridiculous connection. Now in comparion [4thQC] seems painfully inadequate.”

“I don’t know – I just don’t think [holding hands/cuddling/dancing/flirting/talking about crazy other-wordly connection] counts as cheating, so why would I tell [4thQC]?”

“I don’t think I was born to be monogamous.”

“I don’t think [4thQC] is someone I could be with long-term, so why would I waste anymore time with it?”

Although I could come with lots more examples, Stephen tells me my blog posts are running a little long. Bottom line is that I struggle with commitment and get easily bored. More specifically, I get very easily excited and then plunge into state of disappointment when I realize excitement isn’t sustainable.

Last night, my mom told me it would be fine to end the 4thQC if I felt like I learned everything I needed to. My primary goal was to stop getting “concussions” and I do feel like I figured that out. But there are some secondary questions I have about relationships, such as “Is boredom is a necessary condition of commitment? And if so, is it worth it?”

With a serious question like that lingering in my mind, now seems like a really stupid time to give up. Instead, I’m considering this halfway point a recalibration. For me, it’s not quite the same experiment it was when we started 45 days ago. I’ve got different expectations and goals. I feel like there’s less to do, but more to be curious about. I’m not particularly excited about what happens next, but I am certain this is what I want.

Sounds like the beginning of a very stable relationship.

“I Wanted to Keep You Company For Sleepy Time”

In the weeks leading up to the 4thQC, I was seriously considering devoting some time to swapping dating for writing, but initially thought the best strategy would be to write exclusively about past relationships as a purging process.

I steered away from that, but as this weekend is the one year anniversary of one of my favorite stories ever, I’m going to take us down memory lane.

Last year at this time, I was hanging out with [EXBOYF] in fits and starts. He was sending me mixed messages and it seemed like after a perfectly lovely beginning, we were teetering at the edge of the friend zone.

I was…well, I don’t even know how to say what I was. “A mess” would probably do the trick, though. To be more specific, I really, really, really was not ok with being friend-zoned. I used to talk about it with this roommate I had at the time who was very different than I was in many ways, though similar in others.

She was constantly telling me that the solution to my problem was to send him a dirty text message. “When you’re out dancing, just write, ‘I want to grind on you.’”

I found the idea (and actually still do) totally horrifying and mortifying. We would get in light arguments in our kitchen during which I would loudly proclaim that I was “not the sort of girl” who sent text messages like that.

We were having this debate yet again at a party one Saturday night, when [EXBOYF] had tentatively said he wanted to hang out but was showing signs of being a flake. My roommate and her OkCupid date were trying to convince me to send some kind of sexy text and I was borderline hysterical with fear about the fact that he just wasn’t attracted to me and kept insisting that if that was the case, I didn’t want to know the truth.

Frankly, there was a lot of punch – which everyone knows is deceptively fruity and thus totally deadly – at this party, so the details are a little fuzzy. But at some point, I turned to a guy at this party and said (verbatim):

“I’m about to text a guy I like and ask him to come here, but I have a debilitating fear of rejection. Can you hold my hand while I send this text message, and if he says, no, will you make out with me?”

Shockingly, he said yes. As soon as the text message (“You should come! There are jello shots!”) was sent, he, whose name was [THATGUY],  asked me, “how long do we have to wait for him to write back?” We danced. We waited. We talked. [THATGUY] finally said, “he’s not writing back to you,” and kissed me.

I got drunker. And eventually, [EXBOYF] did write back to me. He said, “Enjoy the jello shots! I’m super tired. It’s sleepy time for me!”

I was upset. I was making out with someone else. I needed some way to vent my terrible frustration and also make him feel so awkward that he would never want to speak to me again, because I simply couldn’t stand one more second of the uncertainty. I wrote the most intense, sexually aggressive, intimidating thing I could think of:

“Seriously?! I wanted to keep you company for sleepy time!”

Then, [THATGUY] told me to put away my phone and move on. My second roommate, who was also at the party with her boyfriend, thought [THATGUY] was amazing and that [EXBOYF] was a huge loser. Her boyfriend also loved [THATGUY].

“Why don’t you guys take him home, if he’s so great?” I scoffed. And then I had a very drunk idea. “We could just all take him home! I don’t want to be alone with him…but if we all go together…”

And so we did. Well, we all started walking together. I tried to get us to go to a bar, because I really didn’t want to be alone with [THATGUY]. We all laughed pretty hysterically about the idea of a foursome we all knew we were not going to have.  We ended up heading to our house. On our stoop, I pleaded with my roommate one last time not to leave me alone with [THATGUY]. But the minute we were inside, she and her boyfriend disappeared downstairs.

[THATGUY] turned out to be a decent guy, or serve a decent purpose. He didn’t try anything. He held me all night and told me I was beautiful and amazing and shouldn’t worry about the jerk who rejected me. I was still totally broken-hearted. I totally didn’t believe a word he said. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that (for a lack of less religious way to it) the Universe had my back. And I thought, “Well, Rachel. You took a fall, but you really didn’t hit the ground that hard.”

The next morning, I couldn’t wait to get rid of [THATGUY], but I felt very strongly that I had a great story on my hands, and that whatever happened with whatever asshole, I could count on it to be entertaining.

I was actually kind of jubilant about sending what I considered the silliest text message of my entire life (I even told my mom about it!) and thrilled that I had succeeded in scaring off [EXBOYF] and would never have to deal with his ambivalence ever again. Then I got his response: paragraphs of apology. An invitation for drinks,  and a comedy show later that week.

Within two weeks, we were together. Together, together. I hung on to the story of that night, just in case it was my last hurrah as a single person. I knew that for years, I would think back fondly about that crazy girl I was – her absurdity, her audacity, her reticent adventures.

Of course, that’s not how it turned out. And when things didn’t work out with the [EXBOYF], I did hit the ground pretty hard. I wish I could have channeled some of that “the Universe has got my back” energy, but I didn’t. That’s because it wasn’t the Universe that made the night ok and kind of weirdly wonderful. It was me.  In fact, it took me probably until now to realize that what made that night significant was that I flat out told everybody exactly what I needed – my roommates, [EXBOYF] and [THATGUY].

It’s not all that easy to admit you’re furious that someone is going to sleep without you – or to turn to a stranger and say, “can you please hold my hand to get me through this existential dread masquerading as a brutal crush?” But I’m kind of incredibly thrilled that one crazy time, I did both.

And I think that’s what’s cool about the 4th Quarter Comeback: the honesty. (Cause it’s certainly not the abstinence. Good call, baby bro.) Since I consciously made up my mind that I’m not trying to get anyone to like me, I tell the true truth to everyone. In fact, I kind of can’t even believe the shit coming out of my mouth (or my fingers, when it comes to text message.)

Maybe it’s just because I have nothing better to do with my mouth and fingers. Or maybe I’ve actually grown as a person. Only 2014 will tell!

I Didn’t Want to Eat You Anyway

Sometimes, when I tell people Stephen and I have started a blog about not dating I joke that all the blog posts are about us sitting alone, eating dinner in our respective kitchens. Of course, this is totally not true. Stephen has been cavorting around Italy eating truffles and drinking fine wine while I’ve been stumbling drunk around the Bay Area trying not to “accidentally” eat [SOMEONE]’s face.

But actually, I’ve super overloaded at work lately, so I been doing a lot of … working and eating dinner alone in my kitchen. I’ve also been thinking a lot about Stephen’s last blog post, which is about how sometimes your friends don’t support you the way you want them to.

I’m running short on time because there’s a 3rd draft of a whitepaper calling my name, but to summarize: My immediate response was that of course you can’t count on anyone and why would you think you could? I make a point of having so many friends that I don’t actually need any of them. I make a point of not caring who reads this blog. I expect people to flake so I’m not surprised when they do. You have to just be grateful for whatever you get from people because asking them for more will only lead to humiliation and disappointment. Duh!

Well, it’s amazing how you can totally accept a philosophy until you imagine telling your baby brother that he should go through life not expecting his friends to be there for him and never wanting anything more than a superficial commitment. That he should never get close to certain people and expect that they will be present for him in a certain, special way.

Pretty. Effing. Heavy. I don’t know what else to say except that I’m going to fulfill the promise of this blog and transition into a parable about eating alone in my kitchen. (If the writing is this bad here, just imagine what’s going on in the poor whitepaper!)

ANYWAY. I had a crazy day today, didn’t eat lunch, was totally exhausted and came home hoping to do 20 minutes of yoga before starting work again. Also I was really, really hungry and really, really excited because I had these chickpeas that I was going to eat and they were going to give me the perfect combination of protein and carbs to fuel me through my shitty night. And they were going taste good. Pretty much a dream-in-a-can-come-true.

But when I got into the kitchen, I couldn’t make the can opener work. I tried exactly three times. And then I threw the can opener on the counter, slammed the chickpeas down and yelled, “I didn’t want to eat you, anyway!” and stormed into my room.

Then I realized the sheer absurdity of that statement. (Never mind the absurdity of talking to a can of beans.)

I was totally hungry and not able to do yoga or work or anything I had to do. I kind of needed to eat the chickpeas. The thing is, there was a crazy period in my life where I would have been so deterred by the can opener that I would have convinced myself that I really, really didn’t want the chickpeas. And then I would have skipped dinner.

Kind of like that “crazy period” in my life when I thought you should be grateful for whatever you get from people because asking them for more will only lead to humiliation and disappointment.

That’s all the time I’ve got. But in case you’re wondering: when it comes to can openers, 4th time’s a charm.

So Many Likes, So Little Support

Posted by Stephen

If I were to put up a screen shot on Instagram of this blog to let people know that I was writing, I imagine that a lot more people would “like” that picture than would actually would read my posts.

This got me thinking about what real support is – in a friendship or in a relationship. For instance, there are some important people in my life who I’ve told about this blog who have yet to read a single post. But that’s okay. I can’t judge because I’ve been guilty of not reading my sister’s blog when she’s had one by herself in the past. (editor’s note: wtf??!!$%$#) The bottom line is: It’s hard to be a genuine supporter – we’re all busy with our own lives and it takes more effort to actually read things than it does to double tap a picture with one’s thumb.

Along the same lines, my sister and I were talking the other day about how it’s hard to ask for things in a relationship. As of right now, I’d rather not have to ask some of my friends more than once to read the blog. I’d rather just keep writing and sharing with those who have shown even minor interest. In my ideal friendship, or relationship, I would only have to ask for something once, and that person would listen and respond accordingly. I don’t like feeling needy, or like I’m making someone do something against their will. If you have to ask for something too often, it sort of loses its meaning when you finally get it. Ideally, in a relationship, your friend/partner takes some pleasure/satisfaction in doing things that will make you happy. It’s the old  “I want you to WANT to do the dishes” philosophy.

But maybe that’s just not possible. In a digital world where everyone spreads themselves too thin, keeping tabs on old exes and “friends” that they barely ever see, there’s not a lot of time left in the day to be a truly good friend to your real friends, or even pick up a hobby. Friends of mine have half jokingly told me how Instagram has led them into false “Instagram relationships” with models, celebrities or other people they’ve never met. Newsflash: just because you know where the chick from the “Blurred Lines” video is eating, does not mean you are in the room with her.

So when I go to dinner with three of my friends, and all three of them are on their phones, checking some social media platform to see what others are doing, excuse me for sounding old-fashioned when I say, “Put the damn phone down, and let’s be in the moment and talk about something interesting.”

This time I’ll be prepared to ask more than once.

Punt it to the Next Release, Or: How to Product Manage Your (Love) Life

After my non-date, non-hike with [JETBLUE] and his cute dog on Sunday, I talked to my dad, who naturally asked how things had gone.

“Well, he wants to see me in January!” I replied sarcastically, with a surprising twinge of regret.

“You know, if you meet someone good, you don’t need to wait just because of some experiment.” For a brief second, I wondered if [JETBLUE] was right – that I was just really into deprivation. But this experiment isn’t about deprivation anymore than it’s about willpower.

Per my dad’s statement, I’ve met tons (and tons and tons) of “great” people and I’ve taken the next step with most of them. It has never once felt great. Or good. Or bearable. Although I have friends that argue “every guy is the wrong one until you meet the right one,” I wouldn’t be doing this experiment if I didn’t think there was something in process that needed fixing.

Still, standing there, in my very cold kitchen, wondering why I’d turned down [JETBLUE]’s dinner offer even though I was very hungry, I couldn’t help but think, “if you meet someone good, you should probably go for it…”

Then, I remembered the best life advice I ever got, from a friend who is a product manager at a Really Big Tech Company:

Punt it to the next release.

For all you non-tech readers out there, in software engineering, new releases always include new features and/or bug fixes. Usually everyone is all excited to get as many new features into a new release as possible, but sometimes, there’s not enough time or too many complications. Then, someone, often the product manager, occasionally at the last minute will make a decision to “punt” the feature to next release.

It doesn’t sound that exciting, but actually it can be a huge, wonderful relief for the team. Of course, there are other people who are very anxious to do everything all at once and they might be annoyed, so there’s a fine balance of staying productive and competitive while not releasing anything before it’s ready.

If you’re an Aries, like I am, or you know any Aries, you might be aware that Aries do not ever punt. We don’t wait. We’re not patient. It’s now, or “get the fuck out of my life immediately because I’ve even deleted your phone number.” We are your CEO shouting, “if we don’t release this right now the whole company is going to fail.”

This indefatigable drive to move forward and be spontaneous can be a wonderful quality in a friend or CEO. But everybody needs a voice of reason to explain why it’s too soon for certain things to happen. The great thing about “punting” is that it’s not saying, “hey, your idea is terrible and we will prevent it all costs.” It’s saying, “hey, this thing you’re talking about totally belongs here and we all have the ability and desire to make it a reality. The problem is we need a few other things in addition to ability and desire (time, user testing, a line of code, a complementary feature) in order to make this thing work the way it should.”

(Are you still following this analogy? If so, would you want a job in tech and/or to be my new soul mate?)

I guess, if we’re speaking in plain English: it’s always been very hard for me to accept that if something doesn’t happen right away, it might happen in the future and it might be ok to wait and see. In fact, I’ll often deliberately cause something to implode because at least then, I know how the story ends.

I recognized around this time last year that I needed to train myself to be patient, but before this experiment, “punting to the next release” was an exercise in enduring torture. Somehow, since we started it, I’ve been finding this real, strange and wonderful joy in waiting.

What never occurred to me before is that even when you punt a feature or two, you’re still putting out an update. There’s much to be learned and accomplished when you immerse only in the task at hand. Just like in movies made in the 50s, there’s a lot left to the imagination, but what’s on screen is subtle, sweet and filled with unspecific but inevitably real meaning.

Tolerating that ambiguity is critical because in life, just like in tech, the product roapmap – if it exists – is likely to be tossed aside at any second. You work towards a particular future endpoint – but it doesn’t count as “patience” if you defer your happiness until you hit it.

True patience is knowing that while you might not have the features you want, you really want the features you have. In other words, being able to say (and believe): whatever crazy thing does or doesn’t happen next – this version was a win.

As a person who has always deferred happiness until the unknown becomes known…well, I haven’t actually been that happy. Somehow, punting all the unknowns to the future has enabled me to be in total awe of what I do know. So when I think about whether it’s a mistake to delay taking the next step with a person who seems good, I know that punting is a worthy effort. That level of strategic patience isn’t just a dating skill – it’s a life skill. And it’s probably one that will better equip me to manage 50 + years of marriage with [JETBLUE] or [SOMEOTHERGUY]. (See, Dad!)

That said, please don’t expects your CEOs or other Aries to wait for things. In fact if there’s a CEO or Aries in your life at all, you should probably stop reading this and go panic about something.